On August 2nd, I set out from the Northern Terminus of the Long Trail to try and break the Women's Supported FKT record. There were times where things came easy and miles ticked off like I was on autopilot and I could enjoy the scenery, think about the history of the trail and enjoy the company of my pacers. Although over the days and the miles there were times on the opposite end of the spectrum where things were an absolute struggle. Seemingly simple things like keeping my eyes open or thinking for myself became more and more difficult. In retrospect this is one of the reason I have chased the record, to find my limits and try to push beyond them and to expose my strengths and weaknesses. It's all not easy, whether we are talking about covering 273 miles of technical terrain, putting yourself out there, relying heavily on others or just the pure uncertainty of it all, it's a lot.
For me it all started with intrigue and that intrigue turned into a dream and that dream turned into a goal. I have now tried twice at my dream, at achieving my goal and technically I have yet to accomplish it. In 2019, I ended my attempt at the deep into the night hours on day 2 after battling an upset stomach for the entire day. Medically it was not safe for me to continue, I was down 12 pounds and not able to keep hydration or fuel so the decision to stop was obvious. As soon as that attempt was over I went to work with the help of others sorting out my stomach and to plan a race schedule and training to help support my goal of once again going after the record. I knew I was willing to do the work, whether that meant changing my day to day diet or training more.
Photo Credit: Berne Broudy
When I stood at the Northern Terminus to set off my training and diet had been different, I had many proof points indicating that I was ready. The most notable difference over the first few days was my ability to fuel. Not only was I able to keep up with my hourly hydration and calorie needs, but I was also able to eat real food when I saw my crew. This was a major improvement. My body held up well, never did I feel like my fitness was not sufficient for the challenge. Then a hiccup occurred, a hurricane brought 4" of rain over the course of a day. My pace slowed, temperatures dropped and I expended more energy trying to stay warm.
When you are trying to break a record time matters, so when your pace slows you need to find more time. The decision was made that I would forego sleep, we would steal time, but stealing means there are consequences. Maybe there were benefits for a little while, more miles covered, but eventually everything suffered. I was not sleeping at crew stations, but asking more and more on the trail for a nap. Curling up in an emergency blanket on the trail is not the highest quality sleep, but I would take what I could get.
Despite the efforts of my crew and pacers eventually it became clear that I could not cover the remaining miles in the remaining time. After some reflection I made the decision to not finish the final 14 miles that day. I was so confused mentally where the time had gone, I was so heart broken internally and physically the swelling of my legs and feet was only increasing. It was time to head home and regroup.
While I had anticipate encountering challenges on the trail, what came after the journey was challenging as well. Step one was to catch up on sleep. The first week consisted of long stretches of zonking out and naps that stretched anywhere from a few hours to ten hours. While I was awake I consumed a lot of calories, if my body was telling me it wanted something I ate it. It took several days before I could squeeze my swollen feet into shoes to venture out of the house. A trip to the market or a short walk down the road with Twig was an effort and afterwards required a nap with my feet elevated.
Each hour I was awake I tried to piece together what had happened. As people sent me messages and photos I asked questions as there were many chunks of time after the first two days that I didn't not remember, but the one thing I did know was that I did not finish. Record or not, I still had 14 miles to go and with the weather shifting here in Vermont quickly from summer to fall I knew it needed to be sooner rather than later.
On September 20th, George and Twig dropped me off in the parking lot on Route 9 in Bennington where my FKT attempt had ended. The word of the day became FINISH. There are a lot of things in life that I have started and not finished. Whether it be a book, a project, a blog post, a race, or something else, but I knew I needed to finish the final miles on the trail. I cannot explain why, but I have to believe that at some point I will realize the countless reasons why.
After a family selfie, I crossed the busy road and headed south on the Long Trail. George and Twig would drive around to Old County Rd (mile 11) and hike in to meet me and then we would complete the final miles together as a family. As I started up the first climb alone and for several miles worked through feelings of regret, anger and frustration. I debated if I wanted to finish the final miles and then stopped to reflect and to try and shift my perspective.
I took some breaths and tried to soak up all the beauty that surrounded me. I realized I was letting the idea of failing to accomplish my dream and my goal consumed me. I needed to recognize that failure would be me not chasing my dreams and not seeing this journey all the way through this time around would be the true failure. I needed to remember the lessons I had learned during preparing for the trail and on the trail. I had made a lot of physical, mental and emotional progress as I pursued this challenge and having the opportunity and support to do it was so invaluable.
I had found enough calm and hope to continue down the trail to meet George and Twig. What came around ever bend and every climb was a true surprise as this was the one section I had never completed before. Everything was completely new and a gift that I wasn't going to allow myself to take for granted. Around mile ten I found my rocks.
We made quick work of the mile to the car and all had a snack before heading in the final 3.1 miles to the Southern Terminus. Each step of the way I was reminded how lucky I am to have such amazing support. Win, lose or draw the fact that my family, friends and sponsors have supported me is priceless. Each individual, along with the collective whole have he each has made a difference in my journey and in my life.
Just as I announced to George that I thought we must be within a half a mile he spotted the Southern Terminus down trail. As we arrived there I wasn't sure what to do or how to feel. There is no view, just a sign saying "Welcome to Vermont The Long Trail" and from here the AT continues into Massachusetts, but this was where we were to turn back towards the car.
We stood in the worn patch where I am sure many people have stopped. I am sure many have contemplated the miles ahead, while others have celebrated the end of their journey. As we mulled around for a few minutes I contemplated and dreamed what 2021 holds for me, while also celebrating now officially being a Long Trail Thru Hiker!
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