April 16th was the first time this year that I have pinned a bib to my shorts, which means it’s been almost 7 months. I think that explains why I felt so anxious. I’ve now been training for 4 months for this season and besides my times that I record for my training sessions I have only how I feel to determine where my mind and body stand. I don’t like comparing myself to others, but I do believe testing myself against the clock is important from time to time.
I went into this race with the mentality that it was a training race, a chance to shake off the rust and remind myself what it feels like to toe the line. I also wanted to practice my nutrition and explore a new course that I had never been on. Traprock takes place in Penwood State Park in Connecticut and is a mixture of technical single track and double track and has a lot of short undulations. To complete the 50k a runner must complete three laps.
The first lap was congested with runners, I felt panicked with so many bodies around me. I train mostly alone, so I felt confined to be amongst so many people on single track. I reminded myself it would get better, things would spread out and all I could do was focus on myself. I needed to trust my pace, find my rhythm and enjoy those who were around me.
Towards the end of lap 1 I was amongst 5 other runners, which on the lap through and climb back up to the main course we became two. That felt better, but I kept looking back to see if our group size was going to increase. With miles the voices behind fell softer and softer until they disappeared. I felt less pressure and more at ease with my running. My running became more playful as I could pick my own line, but as fun as that was I was feeling the second lap. The temperature was rising and my legs were not happy on the uphills. My mind started to turn negative and I caught it rather quickly and decided to spin my thoughts. “I am strong, I am fast, I can do this.” I repeated several times until my negative thoughts had disappeared from my consciousness.
The third lap brought some excitement, as I knew this was it. After the lap through I grabbed new soft flasks and headed up the hill alone. I wanted to sit on a rock in the sun and chug all of my fluids. I looked at my watch and told myself I had to put in an hour and forty-five minutes of work. I was reminded of Billy Yang’s UTMB film where David Laney talks about how you just have to have apathy towards pain and suffering. Sometimes you just have to accept where you are and embrace the suck. So I pushed myself, I stood up to my body saying it want to slow down and convinced it to keep moving forward as other competitors where slowing down. I ran the entire lap alone, picking off a few male runners and crossed the finish line with a strong kick.
(Brian Oestrike, Myself, Glen Redpath & Adam Wilcox)
My finish time doesn’t mean much to me; it’s clicks on a clock. What was important to me in this race was controlling my anxiety, turning my negative thoughts into positive ones and working with what my body had to give me by not allowing my mind to determine my limits.