I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about last year. It truly was a year of fluctuations personally, professionally and athletically. I do openly admit that I have still have not come to peace with the valleys that I experienced.
For some reason part of me hoped that when we moved from 2015 to 2016 internally things would magically reset to create a fresh slate for the New Year. I mean isn’t that the way it is perceived to work, a new year, new goals and a new you?
Professionally I have worked to find a new job where I like I am part of a team, in a safe environment and where I can work hard towards something I am passionate about. Now the Director of Youth Programs at RunVermont I am finding more internal drive and feeling good about myself at the end of the workday. It is odd to say that I was caught off guard after catching myself smiling after leaving work one day. “Why are you smiling? What is this feeling?” I hadn’t felt this sense of exhilaration from work in years, and I hope that I can continue to find satisfaction and joy in what I am doing.
Athletically I am still working towards finding peace with my results last year. I have come to discover that I don’t understand what success looks like or feels like for me. Is it winning a race? Is it finishing with nothing left in the tank and with no regrets? I know that I often am afraid to set specific goals because I fear putting myself out there, even if I am the only one that knows what I am trying to achieve. When I train as hard as I do, and commit and sacrifice the amount that I do, I should have specific goals. I need to find the courage to see what I am capable of instead of playing it safe.
Personally I struggled internally not to compare myself to others. “Compared to her I don’t even look like a runner,” “I will never get the same level of sponsorship as her because she is so much more attractive and well spoken then I am,” and the pity party statements go on and on. I believe that Teddy Roosevelt said “Comparison is the thief of joy” and I could not agree more. This sentiment holds true for me personally and with my running, because I diminish any sense of accomplishment and/or happiness when I compare myself to others.
So with all this said I know I need to work on keeping a well rounded, healthy perspective with all aspects of my life. I also need to become more comfortable and accepting of who I am. Life is already challenging enough at times even without the self-doubt and comparison to others. In addition I need to not only remember the valleys in my life, but also my peaks. I will continue to work on not being so overly hard on myself and try to let my smile shine through without questioning.
This is me, this is who I am, think what you want to think, and I will be okay with that as long as I remain true to myself.